04 Words of Support
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This article is from the Miscarriage FAQ, by Laura Brooks brook006@mc.duke.edu with numerous contributions by others.
04 Words of Support
Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.
By Susan Erlin
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My friend gave me the most valuable perspective on miscarriage and I would
like to share it with those who could use it most. Most people believe that
when they miscarry they lose out on ever knowing "that child." My mother,
who miscarried before having me, always told me that I wouldn't be here if
she had not lost her first. My friend feels differently. She says that the
souls of children find their way to the right parents, and that miscarriage
occurs when the soul of the child was not ready, for some reason, to enter,
or renter, the world. When a healthy baby finally arrives, it is the same
spirit as the one that was lost, finally ready to join its family. I know
it is unorthodox, but it helped me tremendously after my miscarriage. I
just wish our child would do what it has to to get ready! Good luck to all
of you.
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I was very sorry to hear that you have lost your baby. I can't imagine what
it must be like for you and your husband. You had a little being that was
growing closer than anything had ever been to you before, and now you mourn
because it is no longer there. You will probably be blessed with another
child in the future. It will not be the same as this first one that you
have lost; no other child will be the same. Time and the closeness you have
with your husband will probably help to reduce the hurt. I'm sorry.
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I know the combination of pregnancy and miscarriage and finally my daughter
has changed me, deepened me, more than I ever thought possible. I can't say
that I'm glad that I lost a child, but I can say that I believe that people
who experience life intensely, both the good and the bad, are luckier than
those who just drift through. And in that sense we women are lucky, far
luckier than men. Men will grieve, and will sorrow, but it's not the same.
When I had my miscarriage I think I was most worried about whether there
was something "wrong", about whether I would ever be able to carry a child
to term. I thought about the IUD I had in for my wilder years. I thought
about the years I was too serious about swimming and didn't have periods. I
thought about the stretch where I was too thin. I thought about everything
I'd ever done that was less than healthy. I suppose the bottom line was
that I haven't failed at many things in my life and I didn't like it very
much. But then along came my daughter and the misery drifted away, with
only a little bruise to show for it. And for some reason I wasn't worried
at all during the second pregnancy. I guess the statistics about
miscarriages and first babies really don't lie.
But in some sick way, it has all helped. When my brother's baby died this
year, I knew what to do. And that ability to empathize, to experience all
the ups and downs, is what life is all about. Really and truly.
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People say the strangest things when they are trying to comfort me. I
suppose you got that too. Why would people tell me it is for the best? How
can this possibly help me? Why would they go out of their way to say it
isn't so bad for me since I hadn't been pregnant a long time? I know I will
get better; I hope I will get pregnant again soon, but I think these things
are for me to say, not for them. I know they are trying to be nice, but I
don't care if my baby wasn't viable: it hurts just as much either way. I
don't care to have my pain minimized or swept away.
Someone helped me yesterday: I talked to a wonderful doctor right after I
lost the baby (she just happened to be on call). I told her it was quite
ironic, but though I had never met her, I was scheduled to talk with her on
Tuesday because I was interviewing doctors for OB care. She told me to come
on in anyway, even though I lost the baby. I did. She was great. She spent
half the time talking to me about this loss, and half the time telling me
about her philosophy of labor and delivery and preparation for birth. After
I left, I realized that she got me back to concentrating on the future in a
very gentle but practical way. She told me I would probably be nervous and
antsy when I first get pregnant again and she encouraged me to come in
early just to get confirmation and a feeling that someone knew I was
nervous and was going to watch me and be aware of my concerns.
Don't get me wrong: I am not saying this woman magically fixed everything,
but she did help some. I still cried last night, but I feel positive
potential in my future. I worry. I will worry. But I hope too.
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I talked a lot to my sister-in-law when I had my miscarriage. She kept
telling me the same thing over and over:
"Remember, it's nothing you did. If lifting heavy things could cause a
miscarriage then there would be an epidemic of 14-year-old female
weightlifters in New York City."
It's true. If there were anything at all that could cause a miscarriage,
desperate people would have found it. And if any sort of bad health habits
could set you up for this kind of thing, then the birth rate in inner
cities wouldn't be so astronomical. Your body's fine, and you'll be
pregnant again before you know it.
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Just thought I'd let you know that my sister-in-law had two miscarriages in
a row, and did the same as you, had the fetal tissue tested. For her, it
was also the trisomy-16 problem. The doctors told her the same thing your
doctors told you. Her third pregnancy was just fine (yea!), and she now has
a 9-month old daughter.
Hope this makes you feel a little better!
(it DID!!!)
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I don't know if this will help you or not, but something you may want to
add to the list.
I have had several family members and friends who have had problems with
pregnancies. One thing that seems to be common is that when a child was
lost (still born, cord accidents, etc.), the woman had a miscarriage less
than a year later. In some ways, I've always wondered if it was a way of
her body just "making sure" since all these women went on to have a healthy
child about a year later.
It is hard and tragic to lose 2 children in under a year. Support groups
and counseling have been what kept some of my friends & family going. The
things that were most valuable to them were: a) take time to grieve. You
lost a child. It doesn't matter if it was born or not, YOU STILL LOST A
CHILD. b) Remember life goes on. If the doctor says there are no problems,
wait and try again. Almost everyone who has had a miscarriage hears from
women who had one (or more) or knows someone else who had one. An example I
use a lot in comforting friends is my mom. There are 6 kids in my family.
In 1946 (or 47) my mom had a tubular pregnancy and lost her right fallopian
tubes. The doctor told her she'd be lucky if she ever got pregnant again.
Eight pregnancies later (6 kids, 2 miscarriages), she asked the doctor to
put her on the pill since she felt she was "too old to deal with baby
shit." ;) When my youngest sister was born, they brought a bunch of med
students/interns in to marvel at the two of them.
In my family alone was my mom & her problems. My brother Steve & his wife
had a blue baby who died the day after he was born. Mari miscarried 6
months later. They adopted a boy and she gave birth to their second son 1
year to the day after Adam came home with them. They currently have 4 kids
ranging from 5 to 13. My brother Gerry's wife miscarried and later had a
wonderful and healthy boy (Nicky the human noodle). I contracted rubella in
the first trimester of my pregnancy and lost that baby. I now have a
healthy 2 year old and I am due in February. My husband's sister miscarried
3 times before they had their first son. They currently have 3 kids (ages 2
to 6) who are healthy and normal.
One of my good friends describes herself as "not built for pregnancy." She
had several miscarriages and had to have an abortion once when the fetus
was literally killing her. Her pregnancy with her daughter left her
hospitalized several times in her first trimester, but her daughter is a
thriving 3 year old now. Last year, she gave birth to her son and had a
hysterectemy immediately after. She claimed it was an easy pregnancy since
she was only hospitalized once before her due date.
My best friend from college lost her first son. He died as the result of
massive birth defects 2 weeks after he was born. She miscarried 9 months
later and a year after that had a beautiful baby girl.
I could go on, but I won't. I just want to pass on examples of
encouragement. I hope they are useful. They seem to have been for some
friends. ("Please tell me you know someone who survived this and has
children," tends to be the biggest request from them.) One thing that helps
too (at least with my friends) is breaking things. Buy a bunch of "yard
sale china" and smash it. Take out your anger and frustration on something
like that instead of your husband & family.
MOST IMPORTANT: The man is grieving too. Many people make sure the woman is
fine and forget about the man. My brother Gerry said the best thing that
happened to him was receiving flowers from me to him. Everyone seemed to
have left him "outside" when it came to comforting. I remembered how much
he helped me when I lost my first and wanted to do something for him. When
one of my friends had an ectopic pregnancy recently, I sent her husband a
plastic fish full of goodies. She said it made a big difference to him.
Men grieve too. While the wife goes through medical and emotional trauma,
the man feels the sense of loss and helplessness as well. Make sure they
don't get ignored.
karla Shapiro karla@shiva.com
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I too had three miscarriages in a row. May 93 (12 weeks LMP), December 93
(10 weeks LMP) and March 94 (10 weeks LMP). Now I have a 15 month old. I
had the 4 standard tests as well in the spring of 93. I have no advice,
just some reassurance that for me, and lots of people I think, the problem
resolved its self. I remember how horrible it was to try not to have your
hopes up and try not to analyse every symptom or missing symptom. And I
hated it when people told me to relax. But what I can say is that the
pregnancy that resulted in my daughter was totally unplanned (we were
taking a break for the workup and moving to another city/job etc) and I
didn't worry about it at all because I didn't know until 8 weeks LMP. Good
Luck!
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