3# Nice Guys And General Stuff
Description
This article is from the Romance and Dating FAQ, by Henning Klaskala alt.romance.FAQ@online.de with numerous contributions by others.
3# Nice Guys And General Stuff
From: 274-0106@mcimail.com (Paul J. Wilczynski)
subject: Nice guys / meeting women
I've been reading a lot of postings from guys who are having problems
finding a relationship. Many of them (but not all) speaking of their
being a 'nice guy' and not wanting to be aggressive.
This is coming from someone who's 43. I've wanted to comment on these
postings for a while, and finally decided to do it.
When I was a teen thru my mid-20s, I characterized myself as a 'nice guy'.
Same story I hear here on a regular basis ... lots of women would tell me
what a great catch I'd be for someone else. Sounds nice the first time
you hear it. Maybe the second, and possibly the third. After that, it
gets old really fast.
What I finally realized, after a *long* time, was that I was waiting for
"something" to happen, and it didn't. I *certainly* didn't want to offend
a women by suggesting we be something more than friends, did I? I *certainly*
didn't want to risk getting my face slapped by suggesting (in any manner)
that the bedroom might be an appropriate place to spend the rest of the
evening, did I?
Let me tell you, in no particular order, what I've learned about this whole
thing called "relationships between men and women". Take it for what it's
worth ... and remember it's often worth what you pay for it. Some of these
points are interrelated ...
1. With rare exceptions, women are not offended if you make a pass at them,
as long as it's done with some amount of taste. In fact, after a fairly
short period of time (mileage may vary), women draw an important conclusion
if you *don't* make a pass. And that conclusion is that you're not terribly
interested in being more than a friend. Let me explain that I consider 'make
a pass' to be a very broad term ... it can be something as non-threatening as
putting you hand on her arm briefly and telling her that you think she looks
especially nice tonight.
2. If you're interested in a women as possibly more than a friend, you *have*
to tell her that - somehow - fairly soon. Probably by the end of the first
date. Again, it doesn't have to be anything Outrageously Significant, but
it's got to be *something*. (see last sentence above). It doesn't have to
be words. It at least has to be some sort of signal.
3. On the subject of compliments:
a. Women enjoy receiving them.
b. But not *all* the time - they get boring and embarrassing.
c. And they *know* when you're lying.
d. You're much better off complimenting a woman on something she has
some control over. Her hair style. A piece of jewelry. Her
presentation in a class. Not particularly her eyes, her skin color,
the size of her breasts. *Especially* not the size of her breasts.
4. *Practice* dealing with women, especially if you're shy. They usually
don't bite (some do, actually, but that's another topic and doesn't come
until somewhat later in the relationship ...) How? Easy:
a. Say hi to at least 3 women a day you've never spoken to before, or
maybe even never seen before. Say it when you pass them in the hall.
When you sit down next to them in class. When you buy something from
them in a store. Why?
1) Because you'll probably at the very least get a suprised smile
which will make you feel *lots* better about yourself
2) Because they might say something back to you, and then you're
talking
Don't worry about saying anything else. Just "hi". If you want to
be brave, and it's the right situation (not passing in the hall, for
example), you could try "I don't think we've met ... my name is
<insert first name here>." But "hi" is fine the first time.
b. Don't wait until you see the woman of your imagined dreams before
you strike up a conversation. Try to talk to any woman about anything
without making a pest of yourself. The worst that can happen is that
she'll indicate she's not interested in talking. Think of that
reaction as her loss.
c. What can you talk about? Literally, anything. "Whew, it's cold
outside!". "Excuse me, what time have you got?" (possibly followed by
"that's a nice watch!", but only if you believe it (see 3c above)).
d. Who do you talk to? Anyone! It's practice, remember?
5. On the subject of being "aggressive" (which "nice guys", of course, don't
like to be) ...
a. Don't think of it as "aggressive". Think of it as "self-confident"
but not really cocky.
b. This quality (and I use that word in a positive sense) is one which
reflects your feeling (you have this feeling, don't you?) that you're
a man worth knowing. Forget about "nice guy". Unfortunately, "nice
guy" equates to wimp/dweeb in too many people's minds. Sure you're
nice - most people are. So what?
c. "Aggressive" in my definition isn't wolf whistles or cat calls. It's
not leering. It's not pawing a woman's body. It's taking some
initiative and not waiting for madam perfection to drop into your
lap (which you as a "nice guy" deserve by definition, of course).
It's showing some honest interest in something about a woman.
I could go on, but that's probably it for a start.
Comments? I'd be interested in comments from women as much as men.
Paul
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